Its 4pm on Monday afternoon and I can't help but think about by baby girl. She should be here. I should be at home being a mom instead of working 8 hour days. No one will EVER understand the pain I have and how much I miss my Monkey.
I feel like people expect me to just move on with my life. Um, thats not so easy. Sure its easy for them to say and expect, but walk a day in my life, just see how hard it can be.
I feel like Ive been so strong lately with speaking out and raising awareness but the truth is, I am still in a million pieces on the inside. I wish they would have taken me instead of Callie. Why did she not get the chance to live her life?? 5 weeks? C'mon, thats nothing! She never got to experience ANYTHING!
Some days I feel like I failed at being her mom, like I didn't save her from this illness. I know there is nothing that I could have done different but I still have that awful feeling. I wish I didn't have these feelings... but I feel like I have demons haunting me. Maybe its because I can't accept the fact that shes really gone. I know I wont see her again until the afterlife, but I still dont accept the fact that shes gone. If that makes any sense.
I just wish things would have happened differently. Why did they have to take our Miracle Baby?? Why not a baby who was severely sick? I never want anyone to lose a child but reality is, there ARE babies out there who dont stand a chance, and yet medicine keeps them alive. Yet my child was HEALTHY and they took her from us. I just dont understand.
For those of you with kids, please cherish every moment. You never know when your last day with them will be.
To Callie Grace.... I miss you so much. Momma loves you so much!! I think about you every single day. Not a day goes by when we dont think or talk about you. I love you more than anything else in this world!!
I love you Monkey!
My heart aches for you. The pain and the loss is NOT fair. It is not fair that people keep living their lives and moving forward, taking every little thing for granted, while your pain is unbearable and your heart is shattered into a million little pieces. It is alright to hurt, scream or be angry. Callie had more love from her mommy and daddy than some children have in a lifetime. You are a good momma. Raising awareness is something you can do in Callie's honor to celebrate the five weeks of time you spent together. Callie's life has reached more people than you could possibly realize! She was an Angel among us on Earth. We are the lucky ones to have been graced by her presence.
ReplyDeleteMy words may seem meaningless because I cannot say that I have experienced your loss. My heart does ache for you and your family. Hold on to Christ's promise that you will see Miss Callie again. I am sure she is doing amazing things in Heaven. Talk about her EVERY DAY. Think about her EVERY DAY. When your new baby comes, make certain they grow up knowing how special Callie Grace is! This new life growing inside of you is a miracle, just as Callie Grace is.